I love you, far more than I have ever loved anyone in all my life, and even after all these years, there are times that still terrifies me. You know me better than I know myself. You care for me more passionately than anyone ever has. You put me first in every part of your existence, but there’s still that little place inside of me; way deep down in the ugliest and most insecure parts of my heart, that’s afraid someday I won’t be enough for you. I’m afraid that I’m just one mistake away from ruining everything. I’m afraid that someday you’ll leave me too, because at some point along the way everyone else has.
If I was a better daughter, maybe my dad would have stayed. Maybe if my grades were better, he would follow though with his promises. Maybe if I was more gifted he would have reasons to show up for the things that were important to me. Maybe if I was more obedient he would have been proud of the way I turned out, and decided that he did want to be a part of my life after all. But I wasn’t, and he left, and he told me it was my fault. I’m afraid that someday you’ll do the same. That some day you’ll be tired of my shortcomings and I’ll have no one to blame but myself.
If I was a better friend maybe people wouldn’t only interact with me, because I approach them over and over again. Maybe my phone calls, texts, and invitations to spend time together wouldn’t keep going unanswered. If I wasn’t so broken and messy, maybe they would want to know about my life every now and then. Maybe they would carve out even just teeny-tiny little bits of intentional time with me, because they enjoy me for who I am. I don’t even feel like I have a best friend anymore. I’m that woman that has many friends, yet still feels very alone. I’m afraid someday you’ll feel like they do. Maybe you’ll find someone more interesting and less broken to spend your time with too.
Maybe if I was different than the way that I am, I would be invited to family functions. Maybe they would want to be a part of the things we invite them to too. Maybe they would send us Christmas cards like they do everyone else, and display the ones we send, alongside everyone else’s. Maybe they would take interest in getting to know our children, or even remotely care how they are doing, but even they don’t, even they have stopped caring.
Then there’s you.
You know my every fault.
You’ve heard my craziest fears.
You’ve seen me dream.
You’ve watched me fail.
You’ve been disappointed by me.
You’ve watched me grow older.
You’ve experienced my selfishness firsthand.
I’ve made you cry.
I’ve had unrealistic expectations of you.
You are the one who delights in me for who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
You are the one who picks me up when I’m too weak to carry on on my own.
You are the one who forgives me, even in the times I was too proud to say I was wrong, and sorry.
You are the one who prays relentlessly for me.
You are the one who intentionally shows up in my life day after day.
You are the one who keeps his promises.
You are the one who selflessly loves me..
and yet somehow I’m still afraid that someday you’ll leave me too. After all, everyone else has.
My own issues with abandonment and loneliness started at a very young age, and so I have held tightly to every earthly relationship I have ever had, only to see time and circumstances change. That change ultimately resulted in people no longer being a part of my life. People that I never imagined leaving me have, and it’s been a difficult thing for me to understand. Often times that leaves me sad, fearful, and even bitter.
The bigger problem is that my struggles with feeling abandoned and lonely, has left me waiting for God to leave me too. I’m not only afraid of being one mistake away from losing you, but I’m afraid that I’m just one inadequacy away from the day He leaves me too.
Your unwavering pursuit of my heart, inspite of all of my imperfections, has truly helped shape my understanding of God’s love for me. You have loved me in a way that has shown me the love of God the Father. My own experiences strewn with broken relationships and abandonment, combined with my perception of what a father is like, have made it nearly impossible for me to grasp just how deep and wide, and how greatly God the Father cares for me. God is a Father that never breaks His promises, God is a Father that purposefully and faithfully shows up every time I need Him and that just blows my mind.
That’s the kind of man that you are too.
There are still times I struggle with wondering if this will be the time He leaves me standing there waiting, and He never shows up, just like my dad did. I wait for the day that He stops answering my prayer calls to Him, because my messy heart is just too much to deal with anymore. I fear that my imperfections are far too disappointing, and that since He has no use for me the way that I am, He’ll find a new daughter, and new best friend, a new love to delight in, but you have loved me like Jesus loves me, and each time you choose to love me like that, I see characteristics of God in you. You are a daddy that shows up, no matter the circumstances, because that’s what a daddy does.
I never knew what a daddy was supposed to be like until I met you, and because of you, I have learned a lot about the Father’s love.
“Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.””
Genesis 28:15 NKJV
In His Love,
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