Sitting with Gwen, I was reminded of a time when I got to see where Jesus was in my past–when I hadn’t believed that God was with me at all.
One of those incredible moments was a time when Sue walked with me into the darkness of my past– she loving helped me enter into a painful time that had a warped and drastically shaped me; a time that had plagued my dreams and left me feeling broken and abandoned. A time when hope was ripped away from me so completely that I felt like the only good response was too shut myself away… a time when the most logical thing to do was to close my heart to trusting people and to shut myself off to believing there was anything good to live for.
I was already too tired, enduring day to day, to keep on fighting and hoping in something that I didn’t live.
The circumstances in my life felt like they were crushing me and I fought to breathe in anything that seemed good. There was no hope for joy – there was only existence.
As I began believing that I was too broken to fix I knew there was no fight left… Not for me. Feelings of being deserted, used and dead inside left me in a strangely apathetic place for my health and welfare.
Feeling that deep sense of desertion–I completely believed that there was nothing in me worth fighting for.
Sue told me of a time when she didn’t know what to say or do because her heart was so broken for a friend of hers. God gave her a visual into where He was in the brokenness of her friend’s life.
So with a gentle voice, broken by the tears she was shedding–she invited me to remember who Jesus is. What His heart for me is–His incredible loving heart…
She looked into my eyes which had fallen from her face to a spot on the floor–and she reminded that my Jesus has never left me. She asked me to look around in that memory that haunted me and tell her what Jesus was doing.
I closed my eyes and just shared everything I saw–
“I messed up…I was too rough with my younger sister. I remember the yank up off my feet by my birth father–FEAR–I was terrified. The metal broom handle–I remember thinking that it should hurt. I remember thinking that I was saved from the pain! I remember that I couldn’t hear the yelling…I could see the anger toward that little me–it was muffled and quieter than I thought it should be…I remember somehow stepping away from my crumpled body…then watching as my birth father walked away.”
Psalm 27:10Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.
As I shared with Sue, my brain thought that all of this was the same…I remember just watching the small pile of me…waiting for that young girl to get up.
Eventually, I pulled my eyes away from this heap of a little girl and started looking around at where Jesus might be–
My heart exploded with unrestrained grief and complete elation as my eyes found a Savior who never once turned away from me in that terrifying moment so long ago–who never once left my side and instead refused to turn His face–whose tears poured out because His heart was breaking for me–
Jesus…was shedding tears for me…
Psalms 56:8 NLT
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Sitting with Gwen, I was reminded of a time when I got to see where Jesus was in my past when I hadn’t believed that God was with me at all.
Gwen sat with me and reminded me about what has been redeemed.