Yesterday I was so tired.
My body was just spent from me pushing it too late into the evening and rising up too early for a decent sleep. When I got off of a mentally grueling day at work (only 8 hours mind you) my mind and body screamed for reprieve.
It was 1:30 in the afternoon and I had so much that I could be doing. There was laundry needing to be washed and a load on the couch that needed to be folded. There was mail to go through. Things that were in the hallway and living room that needed to get put away. Emails that needed to be read. Dinner for my daughter before I went to my bible study small group (which I hadn’t even thought about). School paperwork to be read and signed. Purchases that needed to be budgeted for. Appointments to be made…and the list goes on and on.
Feeling super overwhelmed at the clutter that is everywhere that I rendered me defeated by looking around and thinking that it was all too much!
I just want to be sitting in a clean living room/kitchen and as cliché as it may sound…I want to be curled up with my bible, journal and workbooks—reading and marinating on what God has for me in His Word!
My frustration engulfed me and in a markedly disgruntled way I picked up the school papers that needed to be signed and began to read them.
So then…imagine my shock when about 30 minutes later I woke up completely disoriented with just a few minutes on the clock from needing to pick up my daughter from school. My mind was completely groggy and it was honestly hard for me to even string together coherent thought. I stumbled down the hallway to put on my shoes and was furious at myself for not only falling asleep but now in the wake of that action, I couldn’t seem to coordinate my mind and body. As irrational as it sounds, the hallway seemed to be made from the same illusion as walking down a carnival fun house hall and I put my hands up on the wall to steady my distressed psyche.
I didn’t get a lot done. If anything I got next to nothing done…I began reading something that needed my attention. I was past frustrated with myself and I was on the way to getting my girl from school. So I began the process of mentally shoving that stuff aside—what I was dealing with had nothing to do with my daughter so I was going to do my darnedest to try and make sure that it didn’t impact her.
Apparently the brief ride to the school was not enough time to shove the mentally baffling thoughts aside and the first thing that came out of my daughter’s mouth after she greeted me was “are you ok mommy?”
I sighed to myself and told her that I was physically ok, I thought that I was just tired and on top of that I was super disoriented because I was just waking from a nap that I never intended to take. She was satisfied with that and she started singing to herself.
The rest of my time with her was a deliberate stretch of just doing what I needed to do. I didn’t find a whole lot of comfort in my own mental capacity so I just tried to do the next thing. I made her a snack as soon as we got home. Got my workbook, journal and bible together and put them by the door…and then I started prepping dinner. Funny thing is…I don’t usually make her an afternoon snack and I haven’t done it since she was in elementary school. It kind of cracks me up as I think about that—and by “kind of,” I mean—it totally cracks me up!
It was about 5 in the evening and my girl got a phone call to help with some fundraising. I ended up dropping her off where the kids were and asked her to get a ride back to the condo because I had my bible study group. I was still feeling the burden of feeling dull in my mind and was still agitated at that on my way to the small group.
I was super early for the group and as I pulled up to the street where we were to meet. I put the car in park and just exhaled for what seemed like the first time. And the thought first struck me…pray. I was surprised that I hadn’t thought about that sooner! I closed my eyes to not see all the activity at the park that was to my right and just whispered to my Father.
Father God—my heart and head seem to be so far off kilter that I don’t even know what to pray. I am asking you to give me the strength that I need for the next thing that I must do and the love and energy to be who you have called me to be in it. God—I am so mentally out of it…help me to grasp what you have for me tonight and to give all that I have and trust that you will revive me and provide for me. God I know that you know what is good for me and that you have not only what is good in store for me—but abundantly more than what I could imagine…help me to just trust that tonight. (Deep breath in)…Father God… (Long exhale out)…I do trust you. In faith, I look forward to your blessing and I pray for your blessing to fall on Anna as she is fundraising. In the beautiful and strong name of Christ Jesus, I pray.
…moments later…I hadn’t even gotten together my books and pen…my beautiful Besty called!
I got to have an incredible conversation filled with laughter, heart and what God showed me as I spent time with him this week. A rejuvenating time that brought me closer to my Jesus and cleared the fogginess that was in my mind.
There is absolutely no doubt…I must be God’s absolute favorite!