As a mother…and a single mother…I have done many things wrong, thinking at times that I had to make decisions on my own. I have reacted emotionally and irrationally instead of taking my intense emotions to God and/or a trusted and healthy, caring friend. However, my heart to lovingly protect my daughter is something I don’t think I will ever need to apologize for.
Despite knowing my own inner thoughts and motivations, I found myself having conversations with her that would give her knowledge about and maybe a desire to protect herself from one of my greatest fears as a mother.
I look back and see that my anxiety was so great that I lost focus of my original intent to have conversation with her and instead found myself talking at her without any room for her to communicate with me. I let my worry over what may happen in the future take over.
And then it happened…
That thing I fought so desperately to protect her from…
She tried to hide the truth of what happened though was relieved when I found out. Until then she was alone in her thoughts and feelings. Wrestling with lies and emotional muchness that she tried to shut the door to because she was unsure how to bring me into that tender place…or really if she even wanted to…she wasn’t sure how I would react.
When I did hear the truth there were so many emotions that gripped me as I let the words that I was dreaded to hear just sink into my mind. I was shocked…angry…super defensive. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to hurt those who hurt my girl.
In my own reactional chaos, I hesitated to let anyone know. As I was blinded by my own past experiences and emotion, I truly was unable to call to mind anyone that I would possibly let know. I couldn’t recollect the face or name of anyone who would be able to enter this painful and incredibly vulnerable place with me… As I am writing this, I know without a doubt there are people who would have been there for me, I was just in so much turmoil that I had a hard time bringing any of them to mind. I needed help connecting my heart and my head because what I was thinking and feeling was quickly creating a space of automatic and almost cold responses and to me that was unacceptable and I was not about to be with my girl in her hurt and be a caustic jerk.
Through angry tears flowing down my face, I cried out to God that I needed his heart for my girl.
Immediately one person came to mind. I pulled up her contact info. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t think straight, my mind was a whirlpool of thoughts and emotion and because of the gravity it felt like my mind threatened to shut down.
I made one single call.
God knew what I needed in that moment. Not only could I speak about the hard things that I was thinking and fearing…through the conversation I was given the opportunity to share that I was wanting to be in a much more gentle place with my girl and that I was having a significantly difficult time not being overwhelmed by my own inner rage.
Her words validated my fears and moments later helped me to turn my focus to what my heart longed for most…to be able to enter into this space honoring my girl. Her voice echoed in my mind as she challenged me to keep two words in mind “compassionate” and “safe.” I wrote those words in sharpie on my arm as a tangible reminder of how I wanted to show up with my girl. I want to show her compassion as she shares what she was going to share…and I wanted my interaction with her to be one that would show her that I am who she sees me as…safe.
As my beautiful friend prayed over me, the situation and my girl. I felt the love and power of a loving heart wash over me and pierce my mind in a way that helped me to be tender and gentle with my girl.
Father God, in that moment and truthfully many that followed, all I wanted was to lash out and hurt others as much or more than how I found my own girl to be hurting. In my heart of hearts I knew that it wasn’t helpful to bring all that fury into my daughters presence at that moment…I just wanted to love her well…and my rage was not loving her well… Thank you for moving through the loving words of my sister and friend who beautifully guided me into your presence. For providing me the opening to remind my girl…your girl…who she is in You. To share with her wisdom that You have blessed me with through other channels of your love…that her circumstances don’t define her. Thank you, my Loving Father, for giving me opportunity to grow closer to you and closer to her…not only through the beautiful and wonderful times…but also those hard and sometimes scary times. God thank you for loving me so deeply that I get to see the treasures of your blessing throughout my day.