My prayer as I sat in readiness for what God has for me—
God please help me to be more sensitive to your presence and what your heart desires for me. I know that you are good—help me to focus on what you have for me.
I read the verses…I read it slowly. So many phrases seemed like they pushed themselves off the page.
Isaiah 41:9-10 “I brought you from the ends of the earth and called you from its farthest corners. I said to you: You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.”
Brought you from the ends of the earth
God says I am His servant
I have chosen you
I have not rejected you
Do not fear
I am with you
Do not be afraid
I am your God
I will strengthen you
I will help you
I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand
God…these phrases touch my heart…help me understand why these words and phrases intrigue me. Help me see what you have for me.
Brought you from the ends of the earth—I have been to the edge of humanity. The depraved places where no one speaks about the deviance that permeates every decision that is made…both with me and with those around me. God has brought me from the ends of the earth…
Called you—In the middle of my sick decisions and as I lived a life that embraced shame…God whispered my name. He pursued my heart deliberately and with desire for me to not just turn away from the wickedness that I had embraced but to run to His open arms—what a beautiful edifying love. Who in the world have thought that I in all that I chose and all that I thought and felt…I would be called to God! The thought just amazes me! And he calls me. Knowing who I am and my fears and motivations…even still…He calls me…
God says I am His servant—to be claimed as God’s. What a tremendous deal! No one in my life has ever claimed me as their own in a loving and supportive way. Not in my birth family or my adoptive family. When I was claimed it was because I was viewed as property. I was a thing to be passed around to be given and thrown away at will. But God…God says that I am His servant! What a joy to be called His! I get to be identified as His!!!
I have chosen you—Tears come to my eyes as I see that God chooses me. I used to feel a twisted pride to be chosen by those who were around me…to be given recognition and preference by those people that I could do something for. What I could do—they wanted. I was at least wanted when the rest of my life I wasn’t. I could do one thing well. That’s not how God designed me. To strive and work for the approval and corruptions of others…to be chosen by God. I can barely breathe those words without getting choked up. I am chosen. God sees me. I am chosen. Oh my heart.
I have not rejected you—the despair and familiarity with rejection—I know all too well. Something that all too often breaks my heart beyond words. Something that brings me to my knees. To know that God will not and has not rejected me…what a staggering thought!
Do not fear—Speaks to those unmentioned places that honestly sucks me in almost so often. God says “Do not fear”—the core of me fights daily. God help me.
I am with you—oh my Heavenly Father—to not be alone—to not be desperate in my despair—because the God of the Universe, the Creator of everything is with me!
Do not be afraid—God you know how often I fall on my face with fear. Help me to remember you are with me!
I am your God—God not only calls me to Him. He tells me He is my God—the one who is the ruler and LORD of my life. God help me to make every decision as a reflection of you. Help me to align my heart, my hopes, and my mind with you alone.
I will strengthen you—So many times I have felt worn and weak…God thank you for strengthening me. I had felt it was easier to fall than to stand…remind me Father God to find my strength in you—not only when I am weak, but when I feel strong.
I will help you—I get so used to having to figure things out on my own. I grew up with examples all around me that showed me that I had to do just that. Go at it alone. If I wanted to do something I had to figure out how to do it. No guidance…and instead—malicious condescending digs when I failed. I grew to hate and fear failure it was humiliating. As I read that God will help me—I don’t have to sit in bitterness and hate. I don’t have to be ruled with fear and shame of what would happen if everything wasn’t perfect…G.O.D.will.help.me!
I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand—not only will God help me. He will hold me. He will not let me go! And even in that—He holds on to me with His righteous right hand! His hand of blessing! His hand of anointing! His hand of favor! Who am I that I get to have all that!
My heart practically beats out of my chest for the chance to respond to what He has shown me!
Father God, These last couple of weeks I was feeling so lost. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t be close to who You called me to be. I allowed shame, fear and anger to be all that I could see. I was tainted by the sickness of my own past decisions and it made me powerless to move.
—But you God—you knew the gentleness that I needed to soften my bitter heart. You knew the persistence and words that I needed to hear as I fortified my internal wall blocking off my heart. You knew the love I needed to be reminded would never leave me as I saw the pain imposed on those around me…you knew what I needed. You love me so well through those around me. Your heart is so apparent and the beauty of your heart is shared by those you have lovingly placed in my life. Your grace. Your love. Your gentleness. Your patience. Your presence. You God. You is what I needed—your heart, your love, your presence, your touch. You… Thank you Father God for the gift of you in the midst of my actions of shutting down to others. Oh, I love you so much! I am utterly speechless and in fearful and loving awe of You!