A question was asked that took me off guard…
It was part of the homework that I should have been doing since the last class…but I was being a delinquent pupil and hadn’t finished working through the assignment.
The answer given was raw and unformed in my own heart and head and really exposed what I thought about what God has been doing in my heart in an unfiltered and authentic way.
The question posed was this, “What are some specific ways you’ve noticed change in your ambitions since becoming a believer?
I listened to the question and thought only for a moment before my name was called to answer. I felt my face get hot with embarrassment as I imagined that the ladies around me could see my thoughts as I recalled my job situation just a few short years ago…
I hesitated for a moment giving room to the fear of being judged harshly as I considered sharing the truth…and ultimately found myself resigning to what felt like God leading me to show up authentically.
Before I became a believer—I was a supervisor at a warehouse in a field typically dominated by men. In that warehouse I was the only woman on the floor (and not in the offices generating and filing paperwork). Eventually, I knew the products we sold and the processes we used as a distribution center so well that I was flown to other states to set up and shut down warehouses and store fronts. I worked very long hours and everything I did worked together to bring me prominence and prestige.
The more that I learned; the more that I got paid and the more I flew around for the company.
I strove to have the recognition nationally—and I was beginning to get that.
I fought for raises every time I learned something significant—and the far majority of the time I got them.
I became incredibly focused on promoting myself and my career with hardly a thought about anyone else.
I cared about money, recognition and how fast and far I could go up the promotional ladder…and that was pretty much it. I viewed it as a game that I had to position myself to win. I adopted the mentality that it really didn’t matter who I had to step on or what I needed to do to get to the next level—I just needed to do it.
…I was ashamed as I shared my old thoughts…I didn’t even look anyone in the face as I said them…
It was quiet in the room…I don’t even think anyone was breathing. So, I inhaled deeply and continued…
How are my ambitions different today?
I am a part time employee, who gets to see God work in amazing ways to provide for my daughter and me. I start early in the morning and get off before my daughter gets off of school so that I can pick her up because she wants to spend time with me.
I get to be a part of conferences and ministries that have blessed me with tremendous healing as I have walked out of some pretty dark places.
I get to have a beautiful relationship with my daughter beyond what I could have ever imagined…it seems almost fairytale-ish. We get to have genuine heart conversations that bring me to tears to even think about.
How have my ambitions changed…?
Relationships hold a tremendous priority. Authentic relationships that bring life. My relational trio—my God, my daughter and those loving people I call friend.
I fight for truth to be the center of my world and strive after what God has for me and those around me. I get to love and be loved by those who look like Jesus to me and my heart’s desire is to continually journey closer with my Lord as time rushes by.
I invest in those around me not only as a peer and sometimes a mentor—but I also seek to spend time with others who can mentor me, challenge me and be an example of what God’s grace looks like in my life today.
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my heart and mind on what is good and right and so I’m deeply thankful for the blood of my Savior that covers me.
My heart wants healing for people who have hurt just like me…those who seek or have sought after the artificial satisfaction that the world gives instead of the rest and peace that God offers…and my heart breaks when I see or hear or even find them or myself in those situations.
Father God, I’m so deeply thankful that my heart longs for you. Help me in my weakness when I am tempted to take my eyes off of you. Thank you for a new day that I can choose You instead of the brokenness that I see around me. I thank you for your gentleness, your constant pursuing of me and for lovingly holding me close to your heart.