The psalms to me are expressions of deep emotion. Raw unfiltered words giving voice to bitter trials and broken relationships—a place of crying out in faith in the middle of suffering. They are an expression of turning to God for refuge and comfort when there is nothing but fear. They are a beautiful encouragement of what it looks like to bow my heart with life changing sorrow…they are honest conversation with God in the most difficult parts of my journey. They are an outpouring of worship in authenticity, faith and His truth.
As an exercise for the Redemption Immersion, I wrote my own psalm. I was encouraged to share my deepest sentiments on suffering, sin, repentance or praise. My aim was to be real about where I was today, where I was in this moment. Sharing the truth of the things that I was thinking and pouring over. I didn’t have an agenda—I didn’t know if it would be a reflection of His justice, His presence, His Glory or a place of worshipful response. All I knew was that it was my heartfelt response to My God. My personal perspective of God’s grace, love and kindness toward me…in the middle of my life. So I did what seemed natural and right—I wrote what was on my heart.
Here was the outpouring—
When I glimpse into my heart, I see so much there that isn’t of you.
–The broken pieces of a life lived without you God, at the helm.
I’ve allowed shame to grip my heart and leak its putrid funk into all my thoughts—desperately trying to find myself…looking for validation by those around me.
I’ve permitted fear to be a permanent resident in my heart and mind—tainting my thoughts and causing me to doubt.
I find myself reaching for those things to fill me that only provide a covering for my pain.
Those things that for a time help me forget that I’m not enough.
For a moment, I forget about my insecurities, fears, shame, hurt, unforgiveness, anger and loneliness.
But here I am in the aftermath.
Nothing in this world is the solution to feeling so worn out; to the longings of my heart, mind and flesh; to the emptiness and darkness that I try so hard to run away from.
And so I am here…
I am broken…
I am unable to stand on my own. I am tired of trying to fill myself with those things that only let me forget what I have done for a moment…
I’m tired of fighting alone…
So God, help me.
Help me remember true things.
Help me to invite your loving presence into those places that make me cast my eyes down in shame…
Oh my God—help me to find my rest in You—
God help me to have the courage to be the woman you called me to be—not the pathetic manifestations of my fears and weakness.
So often God, I forget to take my eyes and heart off of what is going on around me and wage war where I am really called—not to those distractions the enemy throws my way.
God help me to be bold and courageous—to be the warrior you called me to be.
When my flesh is weak—God, and those thoughts and fears that aren’t of you start seeping in—
Remind me to stand on the promises in your Word.
When darkness is pressing in and I feel like I’ll buckle under the pressure—
Remind me that you are my strength—you will never leave me.
When my shame is great and I remember all my faults—
Remind me who you created me to be and the blood of your Son that covers me.
When I look to fill my senses with anything that is not of you—
God, help me to remember who You are—Your power and Your provision.
When I am tempted to hold anything higher in my heart than you—
Remind me that you alone are God.
Keep me in the sweet place of Your presence and even if I don’t feel you—remind me you are always and will forever be with me.
God, You are so good—
You have given me blessings in abundance.
You shower miracle after miracle upon me.
I stand in utter awe of your power and love for me.