I never wanted to be a manager.
Managers have a lot of responsibility. They deal with many conflicts. They put in long hours and get interrupted on their free time. I never thought the extra money and authority worth all the trouble.
Since I never had intentions to pursue management, when a position at the office opened up a few weeks back and I felt God nudge me to apply, I was less than thrilled. This was not the direction my life was supposed to go. I had other plans, and they didn’t include a day job.
I’m a writer and a teacher. That’s always been God’s call on my life.
Why would He now take me a totally different direction?
Although confused, I mustered up some excitement for this new venture and submitted my resume. As I waited for a response, I struggled to understand God’s intentions. Until now, I had a clear path and purpose. How could going into management possibly fit into the future He’d already shown me? How could I serve and teach if I was caught up at the office all week long? How could I work all day and still follow the passion He put in my heart for writing blogs and books?
I felt like Abraham, when God told him to sacrifice Isaac, the only means of receiving the promise of God that his decedents would number the stars. Did this new job mean I had to give up my dream of writing and sacrifice my passion for the sake of obedience? Where was my ram in the thicket?
I felt like Gideon, so under-qualified and baffled at being given such a great responsibility. Why not choose someone who has more knowledge and skills? Just let me sit in my corner and write, where I’m comfortable. Where I’m confident. Where I’m safe.
I have so many questions. I feel like God yanked a rug out from under me, and I’m still disoriented from the fall. Many nights when I climb in bed, I climb onto His lap and try to rest in simple surrender. Many mornings I rise determined to understand what He wants from me as a manager and make it happen. I’m baffled by this new journey. I feel like I’m floundering, like I can’t get my feet under me.
I know I can do this job, because He wouldn’t ask it of me if He didn’t intend to help.
I just wish I understood how this all fits together.
The new position started June 1st. And while it’s exciting to be promoted, I feel like I’m wearing a robe that’s 3 times too big for me. It’s not that I don’t believe I have what it takes to manage 13 employees.
It’s that I’m terrified.
This is not what I expected of my life; I don’t have a plan or a goal. I feel a bit lost on how to lead all these people. I don’t want to make mistakes with that many eyes on me. I don’t want to face the conflicts that will come. I don’t want to put in extra hours. I don’t want to step further away from writing. Like that song I learned at SheSpeaks last year, I’ve been telling myself “I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God… I’m surrounded by the arms of the Father.”
Over the past few weeks, I’ve felt whispers in my soul that make me stand a little taller – despite the fear.
- It’s an honor to be chosen. Man didn’t give me this promotion. God gave me this promotion. He stirred the hearts of those in charge to bless me.
- This a chance for personal growth. I can learn to read people better. I can learn to resolve conflict better. I can learn to be more bold and brave.
- It gives me opportunity to do good in a different sphere. I can encourage others. I can speak life to those around me. I can affect positive change.
So why did God give me this promotion? What does He want from me? I really don’t know yet.
What I do know is that the Bible is full of scriptures that call us to stand against fear, to be strong and courageous. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for my life, and that He is always with me. He hears me when I pray, He wants me in this position, and He will direct my paths. He is faithful and I can trust Him.
Even when I’m terrified.
So I’ll go into my new office every day and work as best I know how. He has already shown me what He requires of me each day. Despite my concerns, I can act justly. I can love mercy. And I can walk humbly. (Micah 6:8)
Because whatever I do, I do it for Him.
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24
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