Earlier today I read a devotion and in all honesty it was one that I turn to when I find myself feeling as if there is no one who is for me. Today the day went by like a slow motion movie that felt as if I were just watching and not necessarily living. Conversations sounded hollow and my words seemed to echo and fade as if I were speaking into a cavern. My speed physically matched what I perceived as the unhurried pace of those around me and it took every ounce of energy to enter into what ended up being conversations that were full of tears from those whom I work with.
There are days when I know where God is leading me and what I feel prompted to say and I gladly follow…and then there are days when my emotions seem to be just under the surface and my passions threaten to plow over anyone who enters into my personal space. Some of those days are like today, when I fail to see the path that I need to walk down and in my own head I ask the question…where are you, God?
Those are the times when I search for His presence and I find that wherever I turn I find emptiness. When those tender places are touched and I cry out…I hear a deafening silence that screams that I am alone and makes me want to crawl into the fetal position…and sometimes I do.
Psalm 25:16 “Turn to me and be gracious to me for I am lonely and afflicted.”
This last year I have gotten to know the heart of God in a much more personal way and the God that I know will never leave me. When I search for the truth I find that even when I can’t see Him moving or I can’t feel his presence…He hears my heart and cries tears as I come to Him with my hurts.
Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
In the middle of my struggle, the only thing that feels real is the emotions…those feelings that seem to be so ready to overtake me…those reactions that make lies easier to believe…those thoughts that make me feel like I’ve been abandoned in the middle of a cold and dark, endless night. Because those emotions are so substantial …I often only see the wall of hurt, anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness or other strong feeling in front of me…making it almost impossible for me to feel God’s presence even though he is right beside me!
Psalm 73:26 “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.”
The truth is—I have never been forsaken.
1 Kings 6:13 “I will dwell among the sons of Israel, and will not forsake My people Israel.”
The truth is—I am His beloved.
Song 1:15 “The Lover to His Beloved: Oh, how beautiful you are, my beloved! Oh, how beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves!”
The truth is—I am wanted, I am treasured, I am redeemed.
2 Thessalonians 2:13 “But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth.”
Ephesians 1:7 “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace.”
I asked for God to help my hurting heart to recognize where he was in my day.
He led me to a message that a beautiful friend left me…
He brought me to the devotion that reminded me of the gentle love He has for me…
I saw that as I was pulling into my own cocoon of isolation, a friend reached out and sent me an encouraging scripture…
He gave me the opportunity to cry tears and just say thank you as the hot water in the shower rolled over my exhausted body…
He gave me a daughter that wants a better relationship with me…
He gave me friends who I can experience joy and heartache with…
And he gave me the courage to let them know what was really going on when they asked me how I was doing…
Genesis 28:15 “Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”
I swallowed back tears as I saw how beautifully and uniquely that God met me in my day—it just took me until now to realize how close he’s been all along.
God, thank you for helping me to see you—