Deep Tears

Jewel ZymurgyFaith, Motherhood, Trials1 Comment


It was a tough, tough week.

I was group leading for Beauty for Ashes, and it was day 2. It is a faith-based healing conference that looks at the harm that is caused in our past, to see how it affects our now, and make plans for a better tomorrow.

My heart was tender with the sadness of the brokenness of the stories that I was already hearing in our small group. I was incredibly aware of the rising anger growing inside me at the mistreatment of these ladies as they were young.

The desire inside me, to fight for them grew. I wanted to be the one who would stand against those who in their own woundedness or selfishness caused these ladies so much pain. I cried tears of deep sadness knowing that there was no one to stand in the place of protection and instead I can only say those things that I wish they would have gotten to hear or see…I felt so heartbroken.

With surprising curiousness, I looked at my sensitive heart. The passion that I felt in my core that was willing to fight for people that I had just met was foreign to me. In my own heart and head, I knew that this was time for the participants and not necessarily for me, so with a routine that I was familiar with…I started putting away those feelings that threatened to get away from me. I was compelled to set aside the places in me that recognized the pain and fear of another person’s story and listen to the heart and pain of those who shared that group room with me.

…and then something even more unexpected happened…

My heart was broken even further with the pain of entering into my own daughter’s hurting heart.

The same day that I decided to close the door to that hurting place in me, my daughter sent me a text that read, “I do need to tell you something mama. But I don’t think its right for me to tell it to you over text. When I see you, I’ll tell you.”

Fear struck my heart and coursed through my veins as quickly and violently as a bolt of lightning. Immediately I felt my whole body tense up and with hesitation and sickening dread I sent back “Babe. Did something happen? Are you hurt? Did someone cause harm to you?”

She let me know her heart was breaking. That she was sad and that no one did anything to harm her, but that she still wanted to talk when I got home.

I stepped into the condo to see my daughter lying quietly on my bed. Her eyes swollen from tears already cried and the light that was so familiar in her seemed to be all but extinguished from her eyes.

It was a shocking sight to see and my mother’s heart wanted to run over to her and wipe away her tears and tell her that whatever it was will be ok. Thank God that He kept my mouth from opening because I wouldn’t have been able to fix or make anything that was causing her grief to be ok.

I sat down next to her and she crawled into my lap like a little child…and I held her as fresh tears poured down her cheeks.

I listened as my daughter shared about the death of her best friend’s little sister. The news for her was an incredible shock and heart wrenching beyond what my daughter was ready for…her heart was shattered and I was stunned with nothing to say…

She exhausted herself as she cried herself to sleep as I held her in my arms…in my lap.

Tears rolled down my face as I felt her body move to the fierce sobs that eventually faded and shortly gave way to the heavy breathing of slumber. I didn’t move, except to pull a blanket over the two of us, for a very long time. Not wanting to wake her…realizing I had nothing to say. I could do nothing to soothe her. I could do nothing to take away her pain…all I did was continue to hold her…and in that moment—that was good enough.

Psalm 34:17-18 “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

God help me.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

God I trust you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble”

Father God–guide me as I walk with my girl through the heartache ahead. Help me to lean on you for comfort, guidance and truth. God, I thank you for the opportunity to hold her when she is feeling so broken and that I get to be one person that she trusts her heart with.
Joyfully and tearfully His,

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About Jewel Zymurgy

I’m a mom and a blogger. I grew up in church but my family didn’t live a Christian life. It wasn’t until 5 years ago that I opened a Bible to read it for myself. Now that I know Jesus personally, I am trying to become the woman He wants me to be. I hope my blogs inspire women to love God.

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