The last couple of weeks have been a turbulent combination of incredible brokenness and wonder-filled moments that I have been just at awe in being able to be a part.
As I talked with a friend of mine, I literally sat in a place of being peculiarly overwhelmed at the thought of what conversations and guidance I felt that I needed to have and pass on to my daughter as she is wrapping up her junior year in high school. I felt acutely aware in that moment of how fast time had been rushing by and just how relatively little that I had left with her. I looked at what felt like such a small amount of time and large amount of just heart conversations to have with her…and I mentally collapsed at the weight of it.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6: 34
Unfortunately, I took my eyes off my Jesus for a time and allowed the weight of the lack to be bigger than my trust and rest in the Lord…it’s sad for me to admit that…however, it is exactly where I sat for a time. As the hours ticked by the many failures and realizations of the impact of those shortcomings became strikingly obvious. Soon my inadequacies and deficiencies as a parent to a young lady who could, in very short time, be on her own—moved me to a place of feeling beaten down and worn out and it stunned me.
My whole body and mind felt the shock of the blow and I sat in rising awareness of the flood waters of fear that seemed to be inching up my mental barricade.
God in his goodness, didn’t leave me in that place of feeling like I was going to drown. In fact, I knew and felt his presence and love as he, through a friend whom he knew I wouldn’t turn from, reached into that place of being overwhelmed. God is so good. In my whispering pleas, as I sat alone in my vehicle the Diamond Center parking lot, He heard my heart—past my wide-eyed distress…past the words and into the feelings behind “God help me” which happened to be the only ones that I could utter. He sent me a friend, who I could show up with in all of my toxic thoughts and tremendous fears and hour upon hour she gave me her time, her heart and her love for God and for me and I was able to move through the yuck. A beauty-filled and incredibly sacred moment for me.
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41: 13
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23: 4
That time felt like a deep and dark valley. I wasn’t even remotely prepared for what type of impact that had on my thoughts and in my days. As I look back on the last week I see how in the tenderness of wading through that inner storm. I was acutely aware of my own inadequacies. I went through the day knowing that the words that I have will never be good enough. Some of it was not in the best mindset because of my own heartache in realizing how I feel about my daughter and then some of it felt like it was just truth that I needed to sit in. God in his beautiful love for me, while I was feeling so broken and impotent, still desired for me to enter into some hallowed ground with a few people that I have never thought that I would have the joy of being able to join in their journey.
“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles.” Psalm 34:17
“The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27: 1
I got to just listen and be made aware of the heartache and pain of those who I am around almost daily. I was a listening ear to the jaw dropping anguish of a couple of people that I work with and have not had the honor of that deep gut level conversation… I have tears of joy rolling down my face as I recall that a classmate and teammate of my daughter who trusted me enough to tell me of the powerful way my daughter and I have impacted their own heart—as I was given an embrace that conveyed an amazing level of gratitude! Those grief and wonder filled times were sacred moments for me.
“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” Psalm 119:114
There are so very few times when I don’t try and wrestle through what I think and feel to try and get to a place of stark honesty with myself when I am hurting. In this last week I just didn’t have the words to pray, I didn’t have the words to describe my pain, I didn’t have the ability to bring myself to a place of elementary understanding of myself and what I thought and felt…it all seemed beyond words crushing or far too great for me.
Though as I write I am choking back cries of amazement and tears of sheer joy as I was shown hard day after hard day and heartbreaking conversation after heartbreaking conversation that God in his beautiful love for me not only saw me but held me gently.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Joshua 1: 5