Today did not start out at all like I had planned, and for once I was ok with that. It wasn’t until recently (within the last year or so) that I realized how big of a control freak I am. I’ve always thought of myself as pretty easy-going, but this season of life has opened my blind eyes to the fact that I have a huge need to control things. For a control freak to have a day start out completely different than what was planned can be tragic *cue child like temper tantrum* but not today. No, today I’m so glad it started out different than I planned.
This season of life has been SO very different than I ever would have planned. It has sent my inner control freak into utter chaos, grasping at any sense of control or normalcy I can find. It’s hard to admit that, but it’s truth. The last year of life has been the hardest I have ever experienced, all for reasons out of my control. When we create our own troubles and heartache it seems easier to accept somehow but when tragedy and heartache blindsides you, its a very helpless feeling, especially for someone who thinks they have control. The last year of life has been a season of trials that have brought me literally to my knees many times. My need to control has nothing left to do but surrender. We’ve had harm to our children, strained relationships that may never be reconciled, fear we’ve never known before, and loss. My breaking point, the point I realized the control wasn’t up to me, was when our sweet baby’s heart stopped beating in the womb. I had that baby’s life all planned out, and it didn’t include ending before we’d ever met. That’s the beauty of it all though, that tragedy and heartache, chaos and pain leave us on our knees surrendered to the One who would never leave us alone to make sense of the mess, the One who truly is in control.
Today I knew I would write this blog, but what I thought I was going to write about was very different. This morning before I even got out of bed I prayed “God, please lead me where you want me today. Please have me write what You want me to write. Tell me what You want me to know, take me out of the equation.” I prayed for a little while about other things needing Him, and a little while longer thanking Him for who He is. As I was praying it was suddenly on my heart “your ways are not My ways…” when I finished praying I got my bible and looked up that verse.
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:7-9
There are many times I have heard that verse, but usually the child-like control freak in me stomped her foot in protest. Why can’t my ways be His ways? But not today. Today was the first time I received His word and really realized His ways are not my ways. You see when I opened my bible this morning I was not expecting to open it to the ultrasound picture of the baby we lost over the summer, the sweet baby who’s heart stopped beating in the womb. I wasn’t expecting that picture to be tucked in with the scripture He laid on my heart this morning. I wasn’t expecting that picture to be quietly resting directly under the words “Nor are your ways My ways.”
I had moved that ultrasound picture a few months ago to a place in my bible I don’t often read because it was too painful to open the word and see the baby I so desperately planned for. I took the picture, gave the pages of my bible a flip, and randomly stuck the picture inside so I wouldn’t be painfully reminded too often of the change in my plans, and my lack of control when that little life ended too soon. God however, isn’t random at all. He tucked that picture right inside where it needed to be, where I needed it to be, and He revealed it at a time my heart needed to be reminded “His ways are not my ways.” for once in my life, I’m ok with that.
Do you struggle with needing to control things, like I do? Do you want God to be present and working in your life, but do you want Him to work your way rather than His own? I lift you up in prayer today, as I struggle with this myself. I pray that you can find the joy in knowing His ways are not our ways. His way really is so much better, even when we have to wait and see what exactly He is up to.
In His Love,