I have a daughter who is very involved with different activities in school. When she is passionate about something, there is very little that will get in her way of being involved which to me is utterly fantastic. However, as a teenager, there is much she needs to learn about communicating her needs in a clear way. Though I completely understand that in the logical part of my brain…it was a flat out wrestling match for me to stay in control of my fears.
My child is in High School and as a result of one of those activities that she loves so much had volunteered as part of her feelings of sheer enjoyment of what she gets to be a part of…sounds great—right? I think it is fantastic.
However, her planning and communication for the said event left a bit to be desired.
It was in this planning that I had received an unexpected gift, the opportunity to surrender. Truth be told, I want desperately to have every action that I make to be bathed in prayer and every thought to be anointed by the Holy Spirit. Though the reality is that there are so many times when I, for one reason or another, reach out to take back the reigns of my life and try to control or manage the direction or speed at which I approach a situation. Generally speaking those times when I want to be the one who is in the driver’s seat have to do with situations or people that are close to my heart.
The function was at her school and after school hours. However, as I got there to pick her up the doors that I usually go through were locked. This isn’t too much out of the ordinary; I can go through a different set of main doors. These too were locked…my stomach started getting knots in it and that feeling of dread started setting in, as did the questions of doubt.
2 Timothy 2:16 “But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness”
(emphasis mine because of the empty and fruitless chatter I sometimes tell myself)
I went around the whole school trying to gain access to the interior where I was told by her was the place that she would be. The only doors that were opened were to a gym that was not even connected to the main school building. To say I wasn’t doing well would be to minimize in a severe fashion what was going on inside of me. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.
Realizing I forgot my phone in my vehicle, I practically ran to go get it to try and make contact with my girl. As I grabbed my phone in an absurdly frenzied state I recalled that her phone was in the condo…on the counter…and tears began to well up in my eyes.
Psalm 42:11 “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.”
With tears in my eyes, and honestly, feeling desperate about not being able to influence or gain control in my situation, I began just talking to God out loud—I recognized the intensity of my fear in that moment and asked for forgiveness that instead of trust, I chose a path of fear. I flat out admitted my feelings of distrust and asked that this situation be one that drew me closer to him despite my own decisions that have thus far gotten in the way. I prayed protection for my girl, recognizing that as I prayed I was just coming alongside His heart for his daughter and that I have the joy of joining Him! My last words…through tears that poured down my face…God help my unbelief.
Mark 9:24 “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’”
I finally saw that I was not just looking at my circumstances and allowing them to control the way that I thought—I realized I had given myself into my own fear. It sincerely grieved me to have my eyes be opened to the fact in my flesh, I leaned on fear rather than God showing me in a thoroughly unmistakable way my lack of trust—it broke my heart.
In the end, I failed to conquer the fear that I felt, until they were surrendered to God…and even then…it wasn’t me that conquered them but a loving God who willingly took them from me.
In that surrender, I gained clarity of my next steps and it was very good.
But God wasn’t done with me yet. As I got back into my vehicle and was bringing it around the school to pick up my daughter, I turned the power on to the radio in my vehicle.
The song that was playing was Lauren Daigle’s “Trust in You”
The lyrics washed over me in a wave as I felt fully seen and beautifully encouraged.
A fresh spring of tears poured forth…as I sang “I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You…”