I think it’s a little bit funny how God works sometimes. Well maybe not FUNNY funny, but it’s late and a better word escapes me right now. Last week my Wednesday blog contribution talked about how I often try to carry more than I should, and how my burdens often get VERY heavy before I hand them back to Him.
Wednesday was a good day for me. When I got home from work I told my husband how well I felt for the first time in a really long time, and so I got started on some small chores before we left for church. That might not seem very significant to you, but it was a big deal for me. What some of you may not know is that in December I was in a sledding accident that resulted in 19 different fractures in my body (4 vertebrae, 14 rib fractures, and a broken shoulder blade) once I was a few months into healing from my accident, the Lord blessed us with a baby who is expected to arrive later this fall. Combine injury and first trimester and I haven’t felt so great in quite sometime. I’m not complaining, I promise I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that Wednesday was a significantly good day for me. When we got home from church it was about 9:15pm. My husband put our daughters to bed while I finished loading the dishwasher when all of a sudden I felt something alarming. I rushed into the bathroom to see that I had started bleeding significantly and suddenly my good day made a possible turn for the worst. We have lost a baby before this one so we know first hand that blood isn’t good. After losing one baby seeing blood, especially as much as there was, was terrifying beyond words. Thankfully our neighbor and close friend was able to come and stay with our daughters as we immediately rushed to the hospital. As soon as I saw blood I started praying.
On our way to the hospital I texted anyone and everyone I could think of and asked them to pray. I know that texting is impersonal, but it was the quickest way I could think of to have our baby, and my body covered in prayer. I just kept pleading with God “Please God, please don’t take this baby too.”
One text response made me angry. It’s hard to admit that, but it’s true. I texted someone I love very much, in a moment of absolute panic and fear and said “Please please pray!” They didn’t say “I’m praying for protection over your baby.” They didn’t say “I’m praying that everything is ok.” They said “I’m praying for Gods will.” I didn’t want prayer for God’s will. I wanted prayer for my baby to live. I’ve seen first hand that sometimes God’s will means never getting to hold the baby you so desperately wanted. When I was crumbled on the shower floor, handing Ruby’s life back to God I prayed for His will and not my own. I literally called out and said “Not my will, but thy will. Have thine own way. Please spare my baby, but if your answer is no, I will still love you.” Not this time. This time I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that maybe God’s will means another baby in heaven. This time I wanted it my way. Haven’t we been through enough? What do I have left to learn? I have been stripped of everything, more than I ever knew I needed to, how can there be ANYTHING left to show me? I couldn’t accept that, not that it’s up to me, but I couldn’t. I went to battle, in prayer, that my baby’s life would be spared.
We didn’t receive many answers Wednesday night. The emergency room took me back to a room almost immediately and listened for our baby’s heartbeat. “One hundred seventy beats per minute. ” they said, and then we didn’t see anyone for almost two hours. I wish I could say that hearing a heart beat was reassuring. I did cry out loud and thank the Lord that there was still a live baby inside of me that moment, for the nurse and anyone else to hear, however that wasn’t a promise or a reassurance to me at all. We’ve seen a heartbeat before, and we’ve also seen a womb with a lifeless body inside. I needed to know why there was so much blood. We sat in silence, and in prayer for what felt like an eternity. In some ways I’m thankful for that time because had I not had so much quiet time, waiting, I wouldn’t have poured my heart out to God. Two hours later a phlebotomist came and took some samples for labs and then a doctor came in not long after. We hadn’t had an ultrasound, no lab results, no physical exam, and he said “miscarriages happen all the time, they’re very common.” He said it just the same as someone would say “sometimes it snows in Alaska.” (Yes sir, I am VERY aware of that. If it wasn’t a concern to me that I might be losing another baby, I wouldn’t have come to the emergency room.) and moments later he was gone again. Another hour wait to see an ultrasound technician who wasn’t able to determine much, and then he too was gone. In the end we had no answers. We knew our baby was still alive at that point but the doctor kept reminding us that although our baby was currently alive, that didn’t mean that the end wasn’t on it’s way, about 2:30am we were on our way home not knowing what to expect in the time to come.
Thankfully the baby is fine for now. I have a phenomenal doctor I’m seeing who got me in as soon as their office opened in the morning. We were able to determine the source of the blood, and although I need to take it easy for a while (again) the cause doesn’t seem to pose a threat to the baby. PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS MERCY! The whole reason I share that is this, I was reminded MANY times from last Wednesday to now, that THIS IS HIS BURDEN TO CARRY! It was so wrong of me to be upset for someone to pray God’s will over this baby’s life and mine. That should have been my prayer as well, but I wasn’t in the place that I could accept that maybe His will was different than my own.
Why do I battle so often with trying to force my own way? He knows what my deepest desires of my heart are. He knows what concerns me. He knows what best for me. He knows what breaks my heart. He knows when I need encouragement. He knows when I need rest. He knows when I need to have my eyes lifted back up to Him. He knows when I’m headed down the wrong path, HE KNOWS…yet somehow I easily forget that, and think it’s me who knows best.
17 You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord is with you. 2 Chronicles 20:17
Tonight my husband and I were blessed with the opportunity to see a pre-screening for the upcoming movie War Room and one of the lines in the movie reminded me of the theme of this week. One of the main characters said to someone she’s mentoring through the movie “There’s only room for one of you, on the throne of your heart. Is it going to be you, or God?” It reminded me to get off the throne, there’s only room for one of us.
In His Love,