Before I even begin, I think it’s really important to share something with you-my precious reader.
I’m not a perfect mother. *shocking right?!*
I don’t want to begin this blog with any false pretenses or paint myself with a hue that’s different than the truth. I’m not a perfect mother, and I never will be. I don’t say that to excuse my inadequacies or ungodly behavior. I don’t say that as a way to justify my mistakes and shrug them off as a “meh, I’m not perfect, so who cares?!” I don’t say that as a sugar coat to the parts of me that are burnt out, and ugly. I say that because there are going to be times that I get it wrong… really really wrong. However, it’s my prayer that when I mess up, when I’m not the woman God is calling me to be, I will do the best I can to reconcile those moments with people, and ultimately at the foot of the cross.
Growing up I heard a phrase on a regular basis that made me roll my eyes so hard that I’m pretty sure that my actual eyeballs fell out at some point in my childhood. I seriously would not be shocked if the eyeballs that are currently in my head aren’t my actual-God given eyeballs. Maybe they’re craft store quality “googly” eyes, or thrift store prosthetics? Maybe they’re foil covered Halloween candy? Who knows for sure, but I don’t think these eyeballs are mine. That’s probably why they’re so squinty…
Just typing that makes me roll my “googly” Halloween candy eyes. It’s a phrase that makes me shudder.
That’s what you have to offer me?!? You can’t lead by example, all you can offer me are a few hypocritical words?! “Do as you say, not as you do?!”
The thing is, I rolled my eyes because all I could think to myself when that phrase was spoken to me was… “Trust me, that’s not a problem. I don’t ever want to be like you. I hope I don’t ever do what you do.” I don’t want to be like that…ever!
I want it to be different for my kids.
I want to be the one to apologize when my words were coarse or my actions were hurtful.
I want to be the one that is an includer, an encourager, understander, and not a grown up “mean girl”. I want to be one who builds people up, rather than tearing them down. How will my kids ever know how to do that if I’m critical of other women?!
I want to be brave enough to reveal the truth at times where I have lied or been tempted to lie. How will they know how to be honest when it’s difficult, if they hear me lying? How can I expect honesty when I myself can’t be honest.
I want to be a wife that honors her husband and respects the way he leads our family. I want my kids to grow up knowing that their daddy is the man of our house, and he’s doing an amazing job taking care of us. How will they know what that looks like, if I don’t act in a way that brings honor to their daddy’s name? Do I talk kindly to him? Do I build him up to his face, and when he’s not around? Do they know he’s my treasure in the way I treat him, or is it just because I say he is?
I want to be a Christian that has true repentance for my sin. Not one that’s sorry because of consequences, but one that’s sorry because I know when I’m going astray, it’s breaking Gods heart. If I’m doing as I shouldn’t be doing, I want to be able to say “Lord, I was wrong, and I’m sorry!” And have my actions reflect that. How will my kids know what that looks like if I’m excusing my repetitive sins? I don’t want my kids to think that being sorry looks a lot like disliking consequences but enjoying the behavior. That’s not being sorry at all.
I want to raise kids who are accountable. I want them to be accountable in the times they tried hard and it wasn’t enough, and in the times where they didn’t try like they could have. I want to raise kids that acknowledge when they’re acting in a way that’s unpleasing to God or hurtful to people, and presents their character in a way that doesn’t look an awful lot like the Jesus we serve. I know I won’t always get it right, but I still want to be able to look at them with a good conscience and say “do as I do.”