“And she said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.”
I Samuel 1:18 NKJV
Back in December, one of my dearest friends invited my older daughter and myself to a Christmas tea at her church. I had never been to an event of the sort but thought it sounded like a wonderful way to spend some quality time at Christmas time with my daughter, and my precious friend.
The guest tables were filled with beautiful, clever, and even some elaborate Christmas decorations. Our table was decorated with beautiful China that belonged to my friends mother who was spending Christmas with Jesus.
The tea and the conversations flowed, but that’s not what I remember the most. What hit my heart like a bullseye was the devotion. That morning they spoke of Hannah. I remember thinking initially “Wow, they’re not going to give a devotion about Christmas?” But as soon as the speaker opened her mouth, the words were like soothing salve to my broken heart. At that time I felt like Hannah might have, and there was no doubt God had me right where He wanted me that morning.
There were moments I felt guilty for thinking “that’s me, today I’m Hannah…” Because I’m not a barren woman. At that time I had two living children, but that Christmas tea came shortly after I miscarried Ruby, and it came at our season of wait for our newest child.
Month after month the pregnancy tests were negative and with each negative test my heart broke even more. I felt like Hannah. Hannah was tormented by her inability to conceive, and I was as well. I know that my living children are a blessing. I know that being able to conceive Ruby at all was a blessing and that there are many families who would have loved to be in my shoes, but my heart was still broken because I longed for another child to hold in my arms.
Hannah sought the Lord over and over again. She poured her heart out to Him unashamedly, and eventually the Lord gave her Samuel. The Lord heard her heart, and he was faithful.
The last several days have been filled with a multitude of emotions, emotions that feel far too great for words. On Friday, our youngest daughter was born.
This precious baby has taught me so much about myself, and my walk with God, long before she took her first breath.
The time leading up to her birth was full of fears. I was scared of losing her my entire pregnancy. I had mental milestones along the way and although as each one passed and the walls came down a little bit, it wasn’t until the hospital called on Friday morning and said they had “room at the inn” that the final brick around my heart fell.
During my pregnancy I thought “Once I get passed the point where I lost Ruby, I’ll feel relieved.” That milestone came and went, and I was still afraid. Then I thought “Get one more week beyond where we lost Ruby and I’ll feel relieved.” That milestone came and went, and I was still afraid. “Get passed the first trimester and I’ll feel relieved.” Then I started bleeding and thought “This is it, I’m going to lose her too.” But the bleeding resolved, that milestone came and went, and I was still afraid. Then I thought “Once I know whether she is a boy or a girl I’ll feel relieved because it will feel more ‘real’ to know who this baby is.” That milestone came and went, and I was still afraid. We knew she was a girl, we named her, and it felt more “real” every day, but I was still afraid. I thought “Once I can feel her moving all the time, I’ll feel relieved.” Then I was feeling her move CONSTANTLY and I was still afraid. The milestones and checklist went on and on and slowly the walls came down, but it wasn’t until Friday morning at about 11:45 when I finally felt like “ok, this is it, I’m really going to get to meet my precious baby.”
I had a scheduled induction but because there were many women in spontaneous labor on Friday, our day was spent waiting for the hospital to call and tell us it was time to come in. We were instructed to call at 5:30am and they would let us know if they had room. 5:30am came, and I called. They said there was no room, and to call back at 8:00am. I called back at 8:00 and there was no room. They said they would call back in 2 hours with an update, and they did…still no room. They said they’d call again in 2 hours with an update, and then the call finally came. When they said it was time, and that last brick fell, I sobbed. There are so many times I thought this time would never come. There were so many times I thought this was too good to be true, and because I had been holding so tightly to my fear for so long I didn’t know how to let it go.
Our baby was born VERY fast. They started the induction process at 1:00pm and she was born at 4:52pm. Her birth was very emotional for me. There were times it was very painful (even with an epidural) but it was so sweet and something so longed for, the pain was worth it.
There were many times I cried during her delivery, and when it was time to push I broke down again. I didn’t say much. All I could utter was “I’m really overwhelmed, I’ve waited so long for this.”
When I look at my sweet baby, I’m reminded of the One who is faithful, and far greater than my biggest fears. She is a living, breathing reminder of His promises. When I look at her and examine the intricate details of who she is, from the tiniest locks of blonde hair, to the creases and indents on the palms of her precious hands, I see that God loved her, long before He gave her to me. Before He formed her in my womb He had a plan for her life, and He knew that my heart would be pruned and shaped because of her.
When your journey seems uncertain, when its full of waiting, full of fear, or at times seems impossible, I pray that you will remember Gods faithfulness. His faithfulness is far greater than our biggest doubts, fears, or even our mistakes.
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!””
Luke 1:45 NIV
Welcome to the world Koralynn Reese, God has done a great work in my heart because of you.
In His Love,