I had a wonderfully affirming conversation with a incredibly dear friend of mine and it both encouraged and surprised me as I shared a bone deep appreciation for her and felt the godly support from her as she has been praying for and encouraging me. Out of that conversation I felt like her words were a hand up from my Father God and I felt as if through her words God gave me the courage I needed in order to stand tall again.
The last few years have been nothing short of amazing. I have had the distinct privilege of getting to be able to learn about and really just begin to step into relationship with a loving Father who really wants to know me… The time has been incredibly chaotic and at the same time wonderfully remarkable. I get to learn and grow and walk continually toward this beautiful relationship that I never even fathomed could happen.
During this time, the people that I had around me have been pressed into in many ways. Sometimes I inquired with questions. Sometimes I pressed in by challenging (though truth be told, I am still learning how to challenge lovingly-the manner in which I did this appeared to be defensive and in all honestly the outcome was terrible!). Most of the time I watched and watched intensely. I watched to see if the words spoken to me matched the actions that were portrayed. I didn’t have any right to raise any question of when I felt that they didn’t match…but I did anyway.
I guess, in one way, I was looking for the loop hole or the weak point in the argument that could be pointed out in case I needed to shift the focus off of everything I wasn’t doing well. In another, I desperately wanted to believe that truth and honesty was real and consistent. I had lived all of my previous years with the definitive example that truth was arbitrary and it fluctuated with whomever was around. So I pressed in hard trying to find where that truth line was for those people who were showing me a new way of life. I learned much and lost much during this time when my thoughts of disbelief and doubt reigned.
Eventually, I made the decision that I would live by truth. (I am chuckling to myself as I completely realize that must sound so ridiculous!) I decided I would endeavor to make my decisions on those things that are true and good rather than react out of emotion and self preservation. It is sad to admit that it took me some time, constant conviction and many times challenge from/by someone I love to change the path I was going. Not that I would set out to outright deceive someone…however…my primary response when I was feeling cornered was silence. If I was uncomfortable…silence. If I was angry…silence. If I was sad or lonely…silence. If I was afraid…absolute silence. In my silence I never spoke what was true and that silence allowed for more lies and deception.
Within the last several months as I’ve learned how to live a healthier life, I have been asked to show up and let people in…which to anyone who has been deeply hurt by another knows-that is not an easy decision to make. God knew…He knew how my heart feared being seen and how afraid I was to let people see who I really am. God knew because He sent these brilliantly loving people who were gentle with my heart and who were also filled with His beautiful truth. Their love for me is so great that they show me those hard things that don’t look like Jesus…and they help me to see how much they love me in their desire to help me on my journey with and toward my loving Father. In it all, I don’t question their love for me…their words and actions are an outpouring of this incredible love that makes me want to draw nearer to them and leap toward my Heavenly Father…because I see Him all over them!
I am so thankful for God’s grace! I am truly blessed!