What an eye opening experience it has been to go through such incredible change in relationships that are close to my heart. On a day that, like any other day, had the propensity to be great, instead had an outcome of immense hurt. Many things were done and said and though apologies have been made it was quite apparent that things had to change.
I have apologized for the things I said and the way that I showed up in my flesh, not only several times on that day, but many times in the days and weeks that followed. Several instances I said that I am sorry and still I’m told that I need to apologize. Making my apology never good enough.
Relationship has been torn away and so many things I thought would always have, I now have to grieve. I rationalized most of it away by saying, “well, it’s a consequence of not having my thoughts and emotions in check—its my loss, I need to accept it and move on.”
However, if I were to be honest, in my rawness I was angry and hurt and weary of not being good enough. I found myself feeling overwhelmed at the thought of needing to be perfect. I was angry and I knew I could never, even if I wanted it—be enough to be in this relationship and I wept bitterly at the loss in that. I wanted to yell, “why can’t I have this!” Instead, tears just fell in the quietness of my car…away from anyone who could bring truth to my hurting heart.
I found that I kept telling myself that a “good” christian wouldn’t feel this angry and this betrayed. And I began an internal dialogue chastising myself when these thoughts and feelings came up. For days I kept telling myself that I was wrong in feeling that anger and wrong in feeling that deep hurt, so when those feelings rose up, I pushed them away.
Through a loving conversation with a friend my eyes and heart were opened to the fact that I kept stuffing away things that I thought and felt and silly as it sounds, I didn’t even realize it. Though I can cognitively comprehend that there are things that I need to look at and be real in…I don’t know what that tangibly looks like. So for now I pray, “God help me” and hold on to promises…
Roman’s 8:31 “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”
He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
God will never leave me.
Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
God help me to stand on Your Truth.