I have a secret admirer.
It feels really weird to write that on a Christian blog, but it’s true.
My secret admirer knows everything there is to know about me. He’s studied all of my hopes and dreams. He knows what makes me happy, and what make me laugh. He knows all of the nitty gritty details of my past, and he longs to be a part of my future. He knows what scares me, what discourages me, what makes me insecure, and he spends every moment he can, keeping track of those details. He remembers important dates too, and reminds me of them often. My secret admirer is kind of obsessed with me.
My secret admirer studies me almost constantly, and he knows more about me than anyone else on this earth; even my husband.
At first glance, my secret admirer is quite charming, how could he not be? He KNOWS me. Like, every single intimate detail of me. Sometimes it feels like he knows me better than I know myself, but that’s because he wants me. He wants me more than just about anyone ever has, or ever will. He doesn’t even seem creepy most of the time…no, he’s far smarter than that. He comes disguised as every beautiful thing a girl could ever want in this life…the only problem is that he can’t have me…and he hates that.
He frequently takes what he knows about what makes me happy and then he distorts it, and twists it, until its wrong, or ugly. Sometimes he shows me the exact opposite of what makes me happy and crushes me so badly it takes the air out of my lungs.
He remembers my past, because he wants me to be hurt by it over and over and over again. He knows that I’m no longer a slave to my old self, so the only hold he has on me is in those memories of the former me.
He knows what scares me, because he wants to remind me of my fears. Day in and day out he wants to try to be in control of my life, and he knows if I’m afraid I won’t dare be bold enough to live out the life that God has laid before me. He does what he can to make me anxious, and paralyzed in fear because if he can’t have me, he can at least make me afraid to move forward. I can’t boldly serve the Lord, while living in fear.
He discourages me, and reminds me of my insecurities, because doubt will kill more dreams than anything else ever will. If he tells me I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, clean enough, then how will I ever see my worth to anyone other than him? If I feel like I’m a nobody, then maybe I’ll just be his. How could anyone else ever want me?
He reminds me of important dates, like the time I got dumped, or the time I caught my dad cheating, or the time my relative wrote me off for good. He reminds me of the time my baby died, and the time I broke 19 bones at the same time, because if I spend my time dwelling in my sorrow and the painful dates in my life, I won’t see clear enough to notice the good dates too.
If he can’t have me, he’s certainly not going to give me up without a fight. He’s obsessed with me…and he’s obsessed with you too.
My secret admirer isn’t actually a secret anymore, and I guarantee he’s livid I even wrote this about him. When his presence is revealed, I’m aware of his identity and the gig is up, he no longer has power over me. Every time I write a blog that reaches the heart of someone who needs to hear it, all hell breaks loose (literally.) Every time I step out and choose to live in faith, rather than fear, he does whatever he can to get in my way. Every time I find my worth in the eyes of Jesus, he tries to take that from me, because if he can’t have me, he wants to make sure that I’m miserable.
“Stay alert! Watch out! Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, searching for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 Tree of Life Version
He does the same to you. He remembers what makes you happy, because he wants to make you sad. He knows what dreams you have, only because he wants to crush them. He knows what insecurities you have, and he wants to tell you that you are unworthy, unloved, and no good. He wants you to think you are a nobody. He remembers your past, because he can’t have your future. He wants you to think you’ll never overcome that old you. He wants you to be ashamed of where you’ve been, because you’ll never have victory if you stay where you were. He wants you to be defeated, because he knows in the end, he’s the one who loses.
I know it’s you Satan! You are no longer admiring me in secret. I see you, I hear you, and I know you’re up to no good, but here’s the thing…you can’t have me!
I am His, and that’s no secret. He not only admires me, He think’s I’m to die for.
In His Love,