Sometimes it’s just strikes me as funny, thinking about the path being walked, in search of or in joining with Jesus during the day.
Many times it looks nothing like the idea that I had in my own head for what it shouldlook like—actually, it rarely comes close. That can seem like such a sad comment to some, though to me it’s an exciting adventure. I think it would be like being able to be the one who gets to light the big fireworks on the Fourth of July—exciting, kind of scary…in the end—exhilaratingly cool.
I knew I was to share part of my story with others. I seem to always have an idea of what that may look like, though rarely do I have it so rehearsed that I know exactly what to say and when.
6:30 hit and you could count the number of people on one hand… I thought to myself “I’m ok; it’s a small group…”
A few more people showed up and I tried to convince myself further, “I’ve got this.” …as I uneasily looked around…
As more people showed up, I got more nervous and I jotted down a few reminders in my notes to talk about. Soon, instead of walking around, talking with people and feeling at ease, I found myself going back to that familiar place where I started listening to those old tapes in my head.
A strange sort of war danced in my mind.
“I am not enough”
God help me
“I am going to fall flat on my face”
God help me
“Nothing that I say will impact another”
God help me
In a desperate attempt to recover some sort of semblance of “having it together,” I sat in a back room trying to quickly jot down an outline of what I was going to say. I began mumbling to myself harsh words of reprimand that I should have had the whole thing practiced before I came. Almost convincing myself that no one will want to hear what I had to say anyway.
In that moment I was feeling pretty scared. Feeling completely inadequate, I began listening to that deep-rooted song of continual lies I so often hear when I find myself coming up short.
The war in my head seemed to have been won by the voice of defeat; I began walking out of that back room.
My Father, God, had a different plan.
I found myself stopping in midstride as the image of a bible on a small end table flashed in my head. Immediately, I turned back into the room and walked to the bible. Under my breath I said, “Ok God. What do you have for me?” I reached out, grabbed past the bookmarks that I saw and flipped open the Word. My eyes were drawn to Ephesians 3:11-12.
This was in accordance with the eternal purpose which He carried out in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him.
I smiled and while I was on my knees I took out my notes and at the very top I wrote, “Thank you Jesus” with the address of the verses.
Immediately, that spirit of fear left me.
I inhaled deeply and as I exhaled I breathed out “Jesus loves me” with confident knowing.
Throughout the day I had been prayed for, and I rested in knowing that whatever I was going to say—God had my back, I wasn’t going to fail because God makes everything good. Since He could make everything good—He certainly could make whatever jumble of words that came out of my mouth be edifying to Him and those who heard…
Throughout the day, I reminded myself that He will work it out.
As the time came and the small gathering of a couple people turned into more than what I was expecting, my eyes turned away from the truths I had been standing on all day and instead I found myself getting distracted with seeing more women show up.
I started looking at my fear instead of keeping my eyes and heart on my Father and my instinct to run got stronger.
In the chaos of my own mind I fought this battle that no one got to see…there was no doubt in my mind—here was a time when my Father showed how faithful He is to me.
Therefore I ask you not to lose heart at my tribulations on your behalf, for they are your glory.
14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.
20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
I sat and read the rest of the chapter of Ephesians 3 and I was reminded—
God is good.
He is for me.
He will never leave me.
I need only to rest in Him.
He gives me His strength, wisdom and power.
It is not me who needs to work and strive…through Him there will be abundantly more than I could think or imagine—so, find my rest in Him—God’s got this.
My heart felt like it could pour out rainbows as it was filled with laughter and smiles at the perfectness of what God has for me.
As I walked out of that room this time, I had a genuine smile knowing that His Spirit waged and won a spiritual war within me. As I fought with all my strength and had decided to walk away defeated, His spirit shouted a battle cry of love that urged me to turn to His truth. With His truth the lies were slain. Victorious once again!
God is a good, good God. I am completely loved by Him!