I sit here in utter silence…
Nothing in the way of distraction…
Nothing keeping me away from listening to my heart…
When I walk into the living room area I can still smell her scent on the blankets.
In the quiet, my heart breaks for a surprising loss. I feel the emptiness of what used to be around me engulf my thoughts…and I miss her.
I didn’t feel good…I felt wrecked. Broken enough to feel like the pain in my heart made me bow down physically, dragging myself as if there was an intense weight pulling me to the floor. To be honest, I didn’t even care to straighten myself up to stand tall. There was no want to look good and appear strong for anyone else.
I felt lost and disconnected. My first inclination was to pull myself away from those people in my life who had been visual reminders of Jesus—and I definitely wanted to…though I know it is my pattern to pull away from others…so the harder thing for me was to reach out and not be alone.
God help me to run to you.
Psalm 55:22 – Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
I called my mum…I knew she was working.
I tried to make it sound like it was nothing…I knew she was working.
Then, I thought about a friend who we’ve shared much laughter and great times…and I dialed her number…and paused…this situation is different. I didn’t feel like laughing. I didn’t feel great. I didn’t even know what I was going to say. I gave up the idea of a phone call to this beautiful friend…and instead I sent a text asking if I could chat with her, knowing that it could be a good chunk of time when I would hear from her.
It wasn’t a chunk of time later—she was available at the moment I needed her, not knowing what I was going to say, just that I didn’t want to be alone—I called.
She stayed on the phone with me for over an hour—listening to my heart, my broken thoughts and tears. She helped me to wade through the muddiness of my own thinking, all the while loving me with the heart of Jesus. She never told me I was wrong or that I shouldn’t think or feel the way I was—instead she sat in that pain with me and gave me verbal hugs as she validated my sorrow.
Psalms 147:3 – He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.
I was finally at a place where I could move; physically, mentally, spiritually. Thank you, Jesus, for this beautiful friend.
It wasn’t until I was searching in God’s Word for what His heart has for me in my moment of heartache did I remember that the longing of His heart was to be with me in mine. I knew that intimacy was essential. And here I am seeing with new eyes, the same words that I wrote in my own journal of my hurting heart—echoed back, yet in words of healing from God’s Word! He hears my heart. He sees my tears. He loves me deeply…like crazy deep. I’m overwhelmed at being able to see a glimpse of the vastness of His love for me…
Psalm 145:14 – The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The ministry to my heart continued as I finally lifted my eyes to look forward and as I listened to music inspired by who He is, drawing me closer still—
Sigh…beauty in the brokenness…