Saturday morning my sister hosted a beautiful baby shower for me where some of my dearest friends and family celebrated the upcoming birth of our fourth baby. On the way to the baby shower I couldn’t contain my tears. I cried privately because I wanted to hold it together when I was with everyone, but in my mind I couldn’t help but think “There were so many times I’d started to lose hope over this baby. It’s incredible to finally see how all of the pieces are starting to fit.” All the way there, all the way through the shower, and honestly for the rest of the day, I thought of the years’ worth of struggling with my desire to want more children. After we had our second child, my husband was sure that he was done having babies. He loves our kids, and our life the way it is, so he didn’t have the same desire I did. Having more children is one of those things where you both have to be on the same page, and we definitely weren’t. I started praying for God to take that desire from me because the “no!” was breaking my heart. I prayed over and over again “God if this is not your will, please change my heart.”
God changed my husband’s heart instead but sadly, we miscarried the baby I had been praying several years for.
After losing that baby I was having a hard time conceiving again and with each negative test, my heart broke even more. I started losing hope. I started to think “maybe I’m not mom enough for more…” (Someone else actually said that to me immediately after my miscarriage. “Maybe God knew you couldn’t handle more children and that’s why you miscarried…”) I was torn between wanting to give up my dream and make the hurt stop, and wanting to fight as hard as I could for what my heart so badly wanted. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Was this baby I wanted so badly my will, or His will? I wondered how in the world this heartache would ever turn into something beautiful?
During the baby shower a few people brought gifts for my older children. One of the gifts my daughter received was a puzzle. That evening my nephews came over and my daughter was so worried her cousin would open her puzzle and mess it up. She was worried he might bend, or even lose some pieces. She didn’t want him to touch it, she wanted to work it out on her own, maneuver the pieces herself and in the end reveal the beautiful picture it will make. That reminded me of my relationship with God at times.
There are many times I don’t want Him to touch my puzzle. There are many times I don’t want Him to move the pieces around. There are many times I’m desperately trying to take a piece that is jagged around the edge, and in my own strength make it fit in a corner where only the smooth pieces go. I don’t understand how the ugly, and difficult, and painful jagged pieces of my story can all fit together to make something beautiful in the end.
After the baby shower and for the rest of the evening I thought a lot about the puzzle of my life, and the way the pieces are slowly being put together. I can’t wait for the day I stand before God and I get to see the beautiful masterpiece he has created with all of the pieces.
I imagined the conversation we’d have, as he pointed to the pieces in my puzzle.
“See this jagged piece where you disobeyed me and walked the path on your own? This is where you learned of my mercy and grace.”
“See this piece where you lost your baby? This is where you learned to trust me.”
“See this jagged piece here when you lost your job and insurance while pregnant with your first child? This is when you saw me as your provider.”
“See this piece when you were really sick and didn’t know why? This is where you saw me as a healer.”
“See this piece where your dad broke your heart? This is where you learned forgiveness.”
“See this piece when your babies were born? This is where you experienced joy.”
“See this piece when you struggled to conceive? This is where you learned perseverance and let me carry you.”
“See this piece when your husband needed surgery? This is where you learned to serve others.”
“See this piece where you started blogging? This is where you learned the power of your testimony.”
Now we’re in the final stretch of waiting to meet this child and I’m finally starting to see how all of the jagged pieces of my story fit together. I’m finally seeing how each piece of the puzzle, fits just right in the picture of my life I just need to wait for the masterpiece to be revealed.
This blog reminded me of a Casting Crowns song called “Already There”. Part of the lyrics say:
“One day I’ll stand before you
And look back on the life I’ve lived
I can’t wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit…”
I’ve included a YouTube video if you’d like to check it out: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtg9axTtNLg
Are you in a season of life where you wonder how the pieces are going to fit? Are the pieces jagged around the edges, painful, confusing? Have you maybe bent some of the pieces yourself by either your decisions, circumstances, or trying to make the pieces fit in your own strength? Trust in the Lord, He has the patience to put all of the pieces exactly where they belong, even the jagged pieces.
In His Love,