It doesn’t feel good to write that. It’s an embarrassing thing to admit to even my husband, the person I’m closest to on this earth. It’s even more embarrassing to tell that on a blog that may be read by many people.
I’m also proud.
It doesn’t feel very good to write that either.
For me, it is a constant battle between being insecure and ashamed of who I am. Feeling unworthy, unlovable, lacking talent, character, worth while qualities, and being proud.
I find myself most often wanting to boast or be proud, when I’m struggling with a deeper insecurity.
At times I feel like “look at how nice I look in this top!” Because I feel super uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m 4 months post-pregnancy, and it’s hard to dress myself most days. I never cared about my body until someone criticized me along the way. Growing up I was told I was too skinny in many cruel ways, and that it has hugely changed the way I see myself. Now I’m not thin enough in some people’s perspectives, even though I just had a baby. It’s strange, I never cared how I looked, until someone told me I should.
At times I feel like “look how nice my hair is!” Because it pains me that my hair is so gray, and I’m only 31. Highlights used to be just for fun, now they’re essential in camouflaging the gray.
I wear a lot of make up because I love the way it makes my eyes look, but I’m insecure about my complexion. I have acne like a teenager, scars from when I was a teenager and my skin is starting to wrinkle. The bags under my eyes could be endorsed by Sampsonite. These bags are industrial grade bags!
I feel proud of my marriage, because often times I wonder how someone could love me for no reason? How could he possibly love me, and want to stay with me through all these years? Through all the trials? Through all of the times my crazy is showing and I don’t think twice to tuck it back in. He doesn’t love me because it benefits him. He doesn’t love me because he has to. He doesn’t love me because I’m a good wife and meet all of his needs, he just does, and my insurities have a hard time accepting that somedays.
I feel proud of my children because deep down I worry that I’m not good enough for these little girls that call me mom. I get tempted to boast of how good their grades are because I don’t feel like I’m smart enough to teach them and help them with their homework. I barely graduated high school. They’re already much smarter than me. I get proud of how well behaved and friendly they are because I feel like I’m too impatient and short with them most days. I’m proud of their outward and inward beauty because the world hasn’t had a chance to touch that and make them second guess who they are, and what makes them beautiful. They don’t stuggle with insecurities like I do.
This blog makes me proud. I see how many times it’s read, and shared and I get proud. I see that people are reading and sharing what I’ve written and it feels good, because every week I wonder if I’m making any sense at all. I wonder if this even makes a difference to someone else. I don’t feel cut out for this ministry. I don’t feel like I’m talented enough, spiritual enough, wise enough to write week after week. I don’t feel like I have anything good to offer, but somehow I still get proud, because I’m insecure.
Life for me is a constant battle between being insecure, and proud. I get proud because the world affirms me, then insecure because I keep looking for the world to fill my cup. I want someone to think I’m beautiful because many times people have said I wasn’t. I want someone to tell me I’m a good mom because I’m afraid on a daily basis that I’m failing these girls. I want someone to see my talent because I feel like I have nothing good to offer. I want someone to love me like I want to be loved, because of the times I’ve not been loved how I’d hoped to be.
The problem is that instead of seeing myself for who I truly am, good things and flaws, I see myself through a funhouse mirror so to speak. Sometimes I get proud, and full of myself, exaggerated like a funhouse mirror, and think “look how great I am.” Then there are times I feel incredibly small like, “do I even make a difference in this little world?” I know Gods truth, yet I listen to all of the voices (sometimes just my own internal voice) and draw conclusions of who I am from that, instead of the only voice that matters.
He says I’m beautiful because I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.”
Psalms 139:14 NKJV
He says I’m a good wife because I love my husband the best I know how, and make daily efforts to love him the ways God says I should.
“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.”
I Corinthians 13:4-8 NKJV
He says I’m a good mom because I’m doing the best I know how, to raise my girls, His girls, with His instruction.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6 NKJV
He says I’m talented because He gave me the talents.
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace:”
1 Peter 4:10 ESV
He says I’m smart because I seek His wisdom.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”
James 1:5 NKJV
He thinks I’m wonderful because of who I am in Him.
In a world that says look at me, look at you, look at us, look at them…I want to say “LOOK AT HIM!” And keep your eyes fixed on the cross. You won’t need to be proud nor insecure, when your focus is Jesus.
Do you struggle like I do with feeling proud, or insecure (or both?) Do you draw your sense of worth from the people around you? Do you seek affirmations from people, and this world? Do you feel better than others sometimes? I know I do. I struggle with this every day.
Sweet person reading this blog, let me encourage you today. I’m praying for you. I don’t know who you are, I don’t know how you see yourself. I don’t know if you struggle with feeling proud or insecure, but I do know how He sees you, and I pray you will see yourself through His eyes.
“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
II Corinthians 12:9-10 NKJV
In His Love,