Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. Psalm 42:7
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God ; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:11
Do you ever get that deep knot or longing in the middle of your soul that you cannot unwind or touch? Deep struggle that suffocates, its in those times I cannot place my finger on the problem, or the cause of the deep longing in my soul. I have learned the wisdom in waiting and trusting God in these moments. I used to run to the substitutes, to the temporary. I used to run to the things that would get rid of the feeling, numb me to the deep.
Sex, alcohol, drugs, shopping, eating, pornography, movies, relationships, gossip… you name it. I wouldn’t talk to God, I mean, I figured God knew already. If he knew, he would help me right? I wouldn’t wait on Him. I would move quickly. Anything to take the feeling away.
One day I stopped. I thought about that feeling at my center. The longing deep in my soul, the emptiness that seeped down into my bones.
I thought: “If I never put anything of value inside of me. If I never did the work or invested in my own heart. If I never sought the eternal… I would eventually die empty.”
And at the end of my addiction to love, to drugs, to alcohol and everything really, I was exactly that, Empty. I believe I stood at the edge between death and life. Not only spiritually but physically too. God had told me I would fall, if I kept going. I was 29 years old and I had come up to the crossroad. I had always run to the quickest fix that would satisfy that loneliness and longing in me.
Over time I realized this…. God doesn’t make mistakes. He created me. He knows me. He knit me together in my mother’s womb. If God doesn’t make mistakes, then he knew that I would have a deep need in my heart. He knew that I would struggle daily with a loneliness that if exposed could make me cry. A loneliness I hid my whole entire life, a loneliness I was afraid to look at.
That was my deep….. and my deep calls out to deep. God IS that deep. He is that point that we rarely stop to look at because we can’t SEE him but in reality he is everywhere and all around us all the time. He is that deep that my deep is crying out to. And we were all created that way.
As I have grown and talked with other women. As I have exposed this loneliness and longing in my heart. I have found that deep down we all have it. It was created for Him. It was created to be filled with the Holy Spirit. It was created so that day after day, morning and night we would seek Him like treasure. We would fill the deep in us with the only thing that truly satisfies. Gods love. Gods deep.
Quit running away from the deep God created you with. Quit filling your heart with empty. Allow the light of His presence to flood your heart. It only requires one thing… Ask Him.
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8