My heart broke a little bit…ok actually a lot, when her text came across my screen.
She told me I was a bad friend.
Maybe those weren’t her exact words, but she said it in many other ways. It hurt my feelings so bad, I cried.
She reminded me of the times I’ve cancelled plans. She reminded me of the times I’ve been distant. She reminded me of my over commitments. She reminded me of the needs of my family, and my job. She reminded me of what I was doing in ministry. She reminded me of the times I’ve let her down.
She said I was a bad friend.
That wasn’t the first time, nor the last time someone has said that to me.
At first I was heartbroken. I love my friend dearly! The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her.
Then I was angry.
Doesn’t she see how hard I’m trying?
I told her of all I’ve had on my plate, and how sorry I was for disappointing her. I attempted to explain that I was overwhelmed with all that I had in my life and was doing the best I knew how. I explained that I cared about her even when I was bad about showing it, but instead of being understanding she suggested I rearrange my priorities.
I didn’t want to be a bad friend, I was just struggling to be a good one.
She didn’t understand that I cancelled plans because my kids were sick, or I was burnt out and just needed a night to rest. She didn’t understand how badly I miss my family when I’m working all day, and I just wanted to be home with them sometimes. She didn’t understand that ministry is a commitment I take seriously, and sometimes it requires a lot of focus. She didn’t understand that having kids in school means lots of homework some nights. She didn’t understand how heartbroken I was after I lost the baby and that I was distant because I needed her to be a “good” friend to me. She didn’t see how hard I was trying to juggle so many things, she just knew I’ve let her down.
I’ve let her down many times, and it will probably happen again. It will happen not just in my friendship with her, but with others as well.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend because I’m trying to be a good wife.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend because I’m trying to be a good mom.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend because I work outside of my home, and that can require a lot of energy.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend because I’m trying to serve in ministry.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend because I’m weary.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend because I’m trying to be a good friend to someone else.
Sometimes I’m a bad friend, truthfully we all are from time to time, but even when I’m a bad friend I’m still trying to be a good one.
Even when it’s been far too long since we’ve seen each other face to face, I’m trying to be a good friend.
Even when I don’t call or text as often as a good friend should I still think of you. Every time I think of you, I pray for you.
Do you struggle like I do, with being a good friend sometimes? Maybe you have good intentions, but lack the follow through. Maybe you have a friend who’s just not measuring up to the friend you hoped they would be, is there room in your relationship for a little grace?